Legend of the Black King
by Kream45
Summary: Tracer and Lara join forces to find the tomb of the legendary Black King, before all is gone. This adventure will take them to all the different parts of the world.
1. Ancient Stuff

**/If this story gets 2 views, I SWEAR I will eat my shit.**

 **HAH! You just got PRANKD, I love eating shit.**

 **Now, enjoy the story./**

Tracer and Lara were walking through the icy deserts of Antarctica. Tracer broke the GPS and they arrived at the western coast of the continent. They later realized that they were supposed to go to the eastern coast, so they've decided to walk across Antarctica, since they, you know, already left the boat, and made a few steps forward, it was only logical for them to go on foot.

"HOLY SHIT." Lara moaned, "I'M GONNA DIE."

"WHAT?!" Tracer got scared, "Lara, you can't die on me here! Come on, who's gonna play Super Smash Bros. with me?"

"I don't mean actual death, I'm just saying that it's so boring out here I'm gonna die from the boredom."

"Oh, then I've got a cool game. I describe a thing, and you try to guess what it is, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, what is it? It's brown…"

"Shit."

"Hey, I didn't finish."

"You were going to say "brown, smelly and comes out of your ass', m I rite?"

"… how did you know?"

"I know you."

"No you fucking don't."

"Yes I do."

"Oh really? Then what's my favorite TV show?"

"Cory in the House."

"There's no way I ever told you that."

"I guessed. You like everything with black people as the leads."

":O"

"We're here, shut up for a moment."

They approached the ruins and Lara read the inscription on the door.

"It says here… _Only those with pure intent may enter._ "

"Oh, my intentions are pure." Tracer said, "I just love BLACK people."

"What does it have to do with our mission?"

"Well, you said we were going to find the tomb of…"

"The Black King, yes, but we don't even know whether he was really black or not." Lara clarified.

"And you're telling me that now?!"

"I fucking told you, but you said some shit like 'Yyyyhhh, his name is Black King, so he must have been black, yyhhh'."

"Heey, but why do you have to offend my beliefs? You know John Paul II is my idol, how dare you make fun of him?"

"Huh? Bitch you're retarded. Anyway, my intentions are pure, because I want to save the world from whatever it is that threatens it."

AND SO THEY ENTERED AND FOUGHT ARMIES OF ZOMBIES AND THEY GOT TO THE FINAL CHAMBER.

"Okay, Tracer, I know it's not easy being mentally challenged, but whatever you do, DON'T fucking touch that goblet. We've gotta think of a plan." Lara whispered.

"You mean that thing?" Tracer ran to it and grabbed it.

"Yes, that thing." Lara replied, "… PUT THAT DOWN!11"

But it was already too late. The ceiling opened up and ancient semen started pouring into the chamber.

"ALRIGHT JUST GRAB IT AND LET'S RUN!" Lara shouted.

Lara and Tracer ran back to the entrance, and because new hordes of zombies have spawned, they had to ran past them, which wasn't easy. They barely made it to the entrance, when the giant wave of ancient semen washed them out of the ruins.

"Holy shit." Tracer said and coughed out the semen, "How the fuck did those ancient people gather this much semen?!"

"Is that really what's important right now?" Lara asked, "We've barely made it out alive. Good thing we have the goblet, at least."

"What goblet?"

And then Lara punched Tracer in the vag, causing her to ran back to the ruins in amok, swim through the literal ocean of semen inside, grab the goblet, go back and fall down due to exhaustion.

"Alright, what do we have here…" Lara picked the goblet up, "The inscriptions say that the Black King himself drank from this goblet..."

Tracer, who was still lying face-down in the snow, moaned deeply in pain.

"Tracer, don't you get it?! The same practice was common in ancient China! They also drank!"

Tracer then got up.

"Oh my God! It all makes sense now!"

"Destination – Rice Fields!"

And then Lara summoned a sky turtle, who took them to China.

 **To be continued…**

I'm making history here. No one has ever written a Tomb Raider/Overwatch crossover before.


	2. More Ancient Stuff

Lara and Tracer arrived at some shitty Chinese village in the mountains. They went down the street, and then they approached a food stand.

"Hi, you want some dog?" the owner said, "I've got the best dog there is."

"No, thank you." Tracer said.

"Two dog meatballs for me, please." Lara pulled some money out of her ass.

"Two dog meatballs coming!" the guy gave her two meatballs on a stick.

"This is disgusting." Tracer stated.

"Tracer, calm down." Lara mumbled out while eating the dog, "You've got to think like Chinese people if you want to survive here. Anyway, you see those ruins up on that mountain?" Lara pointed at a mountain a few miles away from the village, "We have to go there and investigate."

"Then why did that giant flying turtle bring us over here, and not straight to the ruins?" Tracer asked.

"Because I really wanted to eat some dog." Lara explained.

Then, after a five hour walk through shitty forests and climbing up mountains, as well as hearing every possible insult from Tracer, they finally arrived at the ruins.

"What we have to do here, of course, is to climb those pillars, jump from one to the other and go around them, climb higher, jump through gaps and then we will be able to reach that ledge up there." Lara said and started stretching.

"So this is what all of your fucking adventures look like? You just climb, jump and eat dog?" Tracer started complaining.

"Uhh, sluuut? Excuuuse me, but I don't eat dog on all of my adventures."

"U succ."

Lara wasn't listening, because she was already jumping from one pillar to another, and then she reached the ledge.

"Sorry bitch, but I can't jump like that." Tracer called, "Drop me a rope or some shit."

"Nope. Don't have one. I guess I will have to enter this hole alone."

And then Lara entered the hole. Not a minute passed before she jumped out of it with something in her hands, followed by an army of terrifying spiders.

Tracer killed them all with her fire magic (fireball spell on master level + fire breathing on expert level with diamond fire glyph engraved on her ass, straight from the heart of the planet itself, forged by the ancient titans, once wielded by the legendary hero Peeu di Pai, from generations passed onto the most prominent adepts of fire magic of the current era, encapsulates the wearer with greater fire aura and enhances their will of fire and fire power and overall just enhances fire in general).

"Aight look at this shit." Lara showed Tracer the thing she stole from the ruins.

"What's that?"

"This... is the ancient dick fossil of the Black King."

"Holy FUCK!" Tracer exclaimed, "It's so huge! See? I told you, he must have been black!"

"*sigh* Alright, I must admit, there are telling signs that he was black, true, but does it even matter?"

"Yes. Being black is not the same as being white."

"Ughh, whatever. Anyway, I have no clue what to do with this dick fossil. Any ideas?"

"Gimme that." Tracer grabbed the dick fossil, "Hmm… I can sense powerful magic in this dick… but I have no idea how to release it."

"I have a friend in Cairo, who specializes in dick magic. We can ask him for advice."

"Cairo it is then." Tracer decided.

"Well, technically yes, but… I want to go back to the village and buy some more dog."

"FKSNDGNSOGISKGMEPIJQEOFMSDNFIKAEJFOREUY!"

 **To be continued…**

Quick Polish Lesson with Kream45 #1:

Nice to meet you! – Miło mi cię poznać!

Fuck my ass! – Rżnij mnie w dupę!

(to) shit on someone's chest – nasrać komuś na klatę


End file.
